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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
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    328

    Default Russian-American jokes

    Russian jornalist interviews an American writer. He puts his feet on the table and asks:
    - I hope this does not embarass you.
    - Oh, no. Feel free to put all 4 of your legs up there.


    An American physician asked his Russian collegue:
    - Is it true that there are cases in your country where a patient was treated for one disease, only to have the autopsy reveal another cause of death.
    - Absolutely not. All our patients die from the diseases we treat them for.



    During his visit to the USSR, Nixon was intrigued by a new telephone capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that this same service was now available in the US too. He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000. Nixon was distressed.
    - How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in the USSR.
    - Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call. hahahahaha


    The Americans and Russians...
    The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if
    they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole
    world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
    one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in
    the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the
    world.
    The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs
    in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They
    selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his
    siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with
    the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
    Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get
    near it.
    When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange
    animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the
    Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly
    last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.
    When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and
    slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and
    leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got
    close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth
    and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
    There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
    The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We
    don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
    working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs
    in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
    "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons
    working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."


    A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

    The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"

    The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."

    The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"


    The year is 2010. In Moscow, a boy asks, "Grandpa, what is a line?"

    "You see, some twenty years back, there was not enough meat in stores, so people had to form long queues at the stores' entrances and wait hoping some meat would appear on sale. That was called line. Did you get it?"

    "Yes, Grandpa. And what is meat?"

    A man walked into the district committee of a russian Party and said, "I wish to join the Party. Where should I start?"

    "Visit a Psychiatrist."


    A guard asked a russian political prisoner, "What is your term?"

    "Ten years."

    "What for?"

    "For nothing."

    "What a lie! For nothing they give only five years."


    A frightened man came to the KGB "My talking parrot disappeared."

    "This is not our case. Go to the criminal police."

    "Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."


    A Russian, a Frenchman and an American argued who was the bravest man. The American said, "For example, we take ten cars of which one has no brakes. We throw dice, each of us gets a car, we drive on a mountain road. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him there."

    "That's nothing," the Frenchman said. "We choose ten girls and one of them has AIDS. We throw dice and each one of us gets a girl, and we make love to them throughout the night. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him."

    The Russian said, "We gather in an apartment, even though we know that one of us must be an informer. We tell political jokes throughout the night, and then nine are in jail, and one visits the nine there."





  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Posts
    256

    Default

    Well, a short TRUE story from Russia. This is not a joke !!

    It happend to be the Election day for the Russian president once when I visited Russia about 10 years ago. During our walk my Russian friend wanted to go for the voting and asked if I could follow her there.
    Ok, I thought why not, it is interesting to see the voting procedure and the place. When we went there the official gave both of us the voting paper and showed a cabin where to vote. Well, I decided to see what happens, went to the voting cabin and put the mark for one of the candidates to the paper.
    Then I was showed to put it in a voting box and nobody asked or even talked anything with me during the process !! Nobody asked for my documents and identity !
    Well, it was one of my numerous adventures in Russia....





  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    692

    Default

    quote:Originally posted by lonelyboy

    Well, a short TRUE story from Russia. This is not a joke !!

    It happend to be the Election day for the Russian president once when I visited Russia about 10 years ago. During our walk my Russian friend wanted to go for the voting and asked if I could follow her there.
    Ok, I thought why not, it is interesting to see the voting procedure and the place. When we went there the official gave both of us the voting paper and showed a cabin where to vote. Well, I decided to see what happens, went to the voting cabin and put the mark for one of the candidates to the paper.
    Then I was showed to put it in a voting box and nobody asked or even talked anything with me during the process !! Nobody asked for my documents and identity !
    Well, it was one of my numerous adventures in Russia....




    sounds highly unlikely.
    even the most backward latin countries have the "cedula" and are very keen on requesting it. They recently introduced it here, too.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    328

    Default

    Lonelyboy,
    I agree with ham... this is very unlikely.
    Don't forget that the russians were as powerful as the united states and probably will be as powerful in the near future. I do not think they are dumb. I think my experience with the russians is limited so I do not think my opinion is representative.
    You and Sonar have more experience and I understand from you how dumb the russian women are....
    To me Russian women were my target for marriage but now there is no way unless I meet here in canada. I do not trust the internet girls and to me they are scammers even if they prove otherwise (I am only talking about the internet girls)....
    I have a question for you guys and even to myself: If we do not like the russians then why are we here??? I simply don't like anyone who is arrogant whether russian or american or canadian. We were attracted by some media that the russians have more family value.. This could be right but we do not feel it. It might be because we are north americans (or north american residents like myself)... Even if this is not true --> only puts them equivalent to any western girl, european, australian or north american. I personnaly prefer a real girl (living in Ontario) whether she is russian, canadian or any immigrant. I do not think internet relationship works....
    I have a question for you guys.... What is the opinion of russian men about russian women????? I think they are the best people who can judge the russian women...
    Any opinions???

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Posts
    256

    Default

    Well guys,

    Sounds very unlikely from my opinion too. But is TRUE !!
    Probably this woman had some election card for her father, brother or boyfriend with her and happened some kind of confusion and misunderstading....i do not know because I never spoke about it later with her.
    I think that anyone who hates Russian women and have no experience with them should not be so arrogant in statements about them.
    Most Russian men live at home very near to their mother even in their late 20's or 30's. When they finally marry they want their wife to be like their mother, but often Russian women are very strong and take the lead and comman in the family. This is too much for the men and leads to the situation where men rather go out and meet their boyfriends and have some fun with vodka with them telling how terrible their wifes are and it is impossible to stay at home with them....I think this may be a common problem in many other countries too...any jokes about this ???????????!!!!!!!


  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    692

    Default

    quote:I have a question for you guys and even to myself: If we do not like the russians then why are we here??? I simply don't like anyone who is arrogant whether russian or american or canadian. We were attracted by some media that the russians have more family value.. This could be right but we do not feel it. It might be because we are north americans (or north american residents like myself)... Even if this is not true --> only puts them equivalent to any western girl, european, australian or north american. I personnaly prefer a real girl (living in Ontario) whether she is russian, canadian or any immigrant. I do not think internet relationship works....
    well, i like russian culture & didn't hate them even back to the iron curtain (i understood they were the other half of the dog&pony show ).
    I hope to (someday) relocate there.
    I think the problem lies with:
    a) agency lies & misstatements. THEYtold men FSUWs were better than sliced bread; and did so to pocket money. Women are women, everywhere.
    b) the WWW/LD scene attracts the worst among any given population. Remember most FSU people ignore foreign languages (at a relationship-wise level ), thus the few who do are (most likely) visa queens and/or dating professionals, that is the last person to provide you with anything "serious".

    Yes, i agree WWW/LD relationship seldom work, and have some experience with western women.
    Say unrealistic expectations, overly inflated egos, blurred self-perception along with the "impunity" of hiding behind a PC screen.
    Hell, i'm not a gay cover model (never claimed to be one), but the few times i bothered with an in-depth investigation, the "cheerleader" saying she couldn't talk to me because i was "ugly" turned out to be some middle aged, divorced broad...probably some junk food princess sending fake or 20 years old pictures.
    Others expected me to pay their debts back.
    Oh yes, i work for a living (no pop star, nor millionaire here, sorry ) to throw my $ at the first harlot around...

    I think relocation or extended stays are the best option.
    Easier said than done, but 100x better than WWW hogwash.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    207

    Default

    quote:Originally posted by Detective

    To me Russian women were my target for marriage but now there is no way unless I meet here in canada.
    I have a question for you guys.... What is the opinion of russian men about russian women????? I think they are the best people who can judge the russian women...
    Any opinions???
    Detective, have you ever had the idea to go to Russia and see for yourself? If you like women, you will like Russia for sure.
    I have made many friends in Russia, both male and female. It is definately a different world than here in North America. For me it is like stepping back in time to a period when life was much more peacefull and interesting. A great escape from the American rat race.
    Russian culture is very unique indeed and and my experiences there have been very rewarding.
    I do not consider myself to be the lonely guy on the internet searching for a wife. It seems that we are all stereotyped into this category for some reason. My attitude is that if I meet the right one, then nature will take it's course. Until then, there are many women there that are very good company and fun to be with.
    Many western guys go there with very high expectations based on what they have read on the internet and become involved with women that they are really not suited for. After a few months of internet love letters it is easy to develop a mind's image of the other person that is not always correct. The majority of men that take this approach will be disappointed sooner or later.
    I have NEVER said that I felt that ALL Russian women are dumb or that they are ALL scammers. My critism is aimed toward 'internet love queens' searching for nothing more than personal gain, internet marriage agencys robbing men every minute of everyday with BS claims, the uninformed that don't really know what they are talking about and the rocket scientist that thinks that he knows it all. I try to walk a fine line through the middle of all of this without developing a bias is any direction.
    As far as Russian women? Toss out the internet love queens and the scammers and my opinion is> Yes, they are the best.

    A man's mind, streched by a new idea, will never re-gain it's original dimension.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    207

    Default

    quote:Originally posted by lonelyboy

    Well guys,

    Sounds very unlikely from my opinion too. But is TRUE !!


    Well, I can certainly believe it. I've seen some strange things in Russia.
    I was stopped for speeding once outside of Moscow on my way to Ryazan. The Russian policeman was standing along the side of the road and I didn't see him until he waved his baton at me.
    I pulled over and he walked to the window of my rental car with his radar gun and showed me a number on the LCD. I reached into my pocket and pulled out 100 roubles and handed it to him. He smiled and held up two fingers. I reached into my pocket again and gave him another 100 roubles. He smiled again and said only "Go".
    Never asked for a drivers license, passport or anything else.

    A man's mind, streched by a new idea, will never re-gain it's original dimension.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    692

    Default

    quote:Originally posted by Sonar

    quote:Originally posted by lonelyboy

    Well guys,

    Sounds very unlikely from my opinion too. But is TRUE !!


    Well, I can certainly believe it. I've seen some strange things in Russia.
    I was stopped for speeding once outside of Moscow on my way to Ryazan. The Russian policeman was standing along the side of the road and I didn't see him until he waved his baton at me.
    I pulled over and he walked to the window of my rental car with his radar gun and showed me a number on the LCD. I reached into my pocket and pulled out 100 roubles and handed it to him. He smiled and held up two fingers. I reached into my pocket again and gave him another 100 roubles. He smiled again and said only "Go".
    Never asked for a drivers license, passport or anything else.

    A man's mind, streched by a new idea, will never re-gain it's original dimension.
    well, here is not Russia but until a few years ago speed tickets were settled on the spot with policemen (usually 2 by 2 ).
    You got stopped, they read you lines saying that costs $1000 according to the law because you were speeding more than that.
    Then you would bargain it down, pay cash & usually get no receipt whatsoever.
    After repeated scandals (typical traffic cops here enjoy a veeery high profile lifestyle quite often, against "official " wages ) now they cannot by law accept money & you shall pay via wire to big brother following their receipt.

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