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Letter(s) from Oksana Zorina to Paul (USA)
Thank you for the letter and wonderful picture))I see that you are the same curious as me)Usually this is in my nature to ask questions and you almost buried me into your questions)Of course i liked your letter and about you being my prince charming,we will have to see about that)))Do you think you are ready to become the Prince?)But looking at your picture you seem to already be him)))But we will have to see how our communication will go on)))You say you live in London,Notting Hill region.Is that the same place where there are held those Brazilian carnivals every year at the end of August?!Then it must be wonderful.I know that they are held somewhere near the place you live...Have you been there?Is that true that they let you try Caribbean food and drinks and that you can dance all night there?I would gladly do there and dance like crazy all night,saving myself with those Caribbean drinks from thirst)Can you imagine me wearing that carnival costume?)Yes,I like dancing,but I don't think I know what dances they do there,but I like dancing tango)This is so wonderful!Do you know how to dance this?)Can I challenge you one day?)I think that tango is the most successful try to get closer to the state of ecstasy...Tango is the expression of the soul of Buenos-Aires....They say:"like a smell in the flower...like water in the river...like lips in a passionate kiss...like tango in my life..."How I wish we had such celebrations in our country.But unfortunately we don't and there is no way I can see that with my own eyes,only on the TV.As i have never been abroad...You know,each time I watch foreign movies I imagine myself in those beautiful places,where all this stunning nature is around.I have always dreamed to see the ocean...I do not know why.But I would like to swim in that transparent water,to see all those different spices of fish,to swim with dolphins.I also would like to see Europe.I believe that the history of Europe is worth seeing.I would like to visit Greece,Spain,Italy.I am a kind person who wants to know everything,to see a lot.I would like to taste all the different dishes,to get to know different people from different countries.I would like to wander in the streets of Italy or Spain,entering each cafe and trying some tasty things,making photos,visiting different museums.I would like to get lost in the suburbs of Greece and find something new for myself.I also love just to look at all that beauty which the nature has for us,just sitting on the seashore and looking at the water,or meeting the sunrise somewhere high in the mountains...And this is wonderful that you have the possibility to travel a lot.What countries have you been to,by the way?
Have you been to Ukraine?Which country made the best impression on you?What do you like most about travelling?Is your travel connected somehow with your job,or this is just your hobby to see the world?You say that you are lucky and that you like what you are doing,this is awesome!This is important,I think,to have a job that makes you happy...But I believe that this is not the job which makes you live the life you live.I think that this is always our choice to lead a happy life,the life we want to have.I can't say that I am not a happy person because I have never seen all those places you saw.As i work as the cashier at the supermarket and have a dream to become the interpreter,but this is difficult to find that job in my small town.Even if i have the diploma of the interpreter and if i studied English at the University..But I know that I will achieve my dream)))Cause they say:"the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams")))And I can't say that i am not happy to have the job of cashier,cause i am doing that for living and I am glad that i have at least something)))I am a determined person and I will achieve my dreams I just need someone except my Granny and friends who will be happy to share those moments with me.You ask me about my family,and I can say that my family is not big at all.The only member I have in my family is my Granny and she replaced mother and father to me and I am so grateful for everything she did to raise me.And you?
What about your family?You know I have always dreamed to have brother or sister when I was a child,but this never happened...And do you have brothers or sisters?You know,I believe that family is important in our life and I am also here to find someone with whom I can share my life with.Cause i am serious person and I don't like playing games,especially with feelings...You ask me if I was in love,yes but it ended too fast.As soon as I realized that I am the one of both who appreciates this relationship and I left.cause this is how it is,we leave when we realize that there is no place for us in that person's life...And what about you?Did you have relations?Stupid question...I am sure you had..And probably you were also disappointed if you are on the dating site now...You know,i think this is good that you are the man of action,I believe that real man should be like this.Not only to make a woman dreaming with his words,but also to bring those dreams to reality.i like people who are determined and who know what they want from life)
Paul,I think this is good that we found each other here,and maybe we will have that romantic dinner with you))))By the way,do you often come to Ukraine to have such romantic dinners with other girls?)Just joking)))Hope to hear from you soon)
Hi again)Waiting for your reply and hope that you won't forget about me)))
You know,this is so wonderful for me to talk with you and especially to receive the present from you)Really,thank you)You know,i never had experienced that much attention from anyone.I am suer that the woman who will be with you will be the happiest in the world,cause you probably know how to win one's heart)And you are so nice,and yes,maybe one day you will become my prince)I am sorry,but I couldn't see the pictures that you sent me last and I hope that you will be able to find the other way to send me them)))Cause i really want to see more pictures with you)))But why do you call this site stupid?)This is so funny)You know,i also registered here not hoping to find someone real.Honestly,i didn't even know how it woks and I was thinking that people are only joking here.I was just "let me see" and you know,i think sometimes that probably this site can help some people.Cause i have a girlfriend who registered also on the dating site,but this site was for the Russians and Ukrainians and there she found her second half,or the soul mate,i don't know how it is better to say.And now they live happily together)They got married not so long ago and she moved to live with him to Kiev)))And looking at how happy they both are with each other,I think sometimes that this site probably can be not that hopeless)))The more important I think is to be genuine in your intentions and to know what you want.Cause i am not the person who likes to play games,especially with feelings and i hope to receive the same treatment in answer.I don't like people who are pretending or lying...i think that honesty is the best way to know each other and to see if you like this person.Cause lies are building the walls between people and make them far from each other...And this is strange,we are far away and we have the same weather,here it is so cold.It is such a cold and strong wind here.I was running to my work having only the light autumn jacket on me and hoping that this wind won't blow me away,and it was almost coming through my skin so freezing!brrr)And they even forecast snow on the next week!I think I am not ready for the winter yet...Morally...No,I love winter.It's just sometimes you want warmth so much...You know,it always seems that somewhere far away it is warmer,or better...Why is that?And you say that you are having Christmas and that you are getting ready for that...isn't it too early?)Let me see on the internet...Well..it says that you are having Christmas there on the 25th of December,then why are you preparing now?You still have lots of time?Or this is jut how English people are,impatient and always in the awaiting for celebration?))))You know,i am also curious by nature and impatient.Some things I can't wait,especially if they are good)))You say that you liked my English,thank you)I was doing good job at the University then,ha?))))But don't worry about your Russian,i think I can help you with that better than any London teacher)))You also say that you are moving.You mean you already moved or you are still in process of that?And why are you moving,don't you like the place where you lived before?Paul,i have a crazy idea)I would like to be there and help you with all that boxes.Can you imagine how much fun we would have doing this?Running around with some statuette and deciding where to put,helping each other to hang the picture on the wall,dragging something heavy up and down))))And then,in the end of all this craziness make yourself a cup of coffee and looking at what we've done)))Of course if you would let me do that))))So,you will live alone there and you want to have a cat?)This is wonderful.You know I have always wanted to have a cat if I would live alone.You know what i would do?I would call my cat Happiness)))and then,each time i would come back home there would be always happiness there))))But,honestly,i like dogs more,but the thing is that they need lots of time to spend with them...and besides,my granny,Toma,and she is allergic,so I can only dream of having such a friend.They say that if someone wants to buy love he should buy a dog,because this is the only love which one can buy for money...Yes,my Granny is the only person i have from my family and she raised me since i was 3 years old.And don't be shy to ask about that,i am glad that you are interested in my ,life,not only in me.The thing is that not so many people know this part of my life..Really close people even don't know..Why?Cause they never asked and this is so warming to know that you are interested more...Yes,I am one of those people who can say that they have always lacked mother's love,it is difficult to live apart from your parents,I have never seen my father and my mom left me when I was 3 years old.Sometimes,when I look back to my childhood I understand how much my Granny did to me.Though she worked at 3 jobs till she retired,she always tried to become both mother and father to me.I look back and see how other children were taken home from kindergarten by their parents,how the parents of my schoolmates were invited to different class meetings and different celebrations...I was somehow jealous and this was something I knew already being a small child I would never have...But my Granny was there,she found time for all those school events and for me....I am grateful to her that she was strong enough to raise a child and that she didn't left me.Thanks to her I am who I am now and I think that I am not a bad person and that she can be proud of me.When I grew up I started taking things more easier than when I was a teenager...Now I understand my mother,I can't say that she is a bad person or a stone-hearted woman.She was young when she gave me birth,I can imagine how scared she was,she had just started her life and the child could break her life.I know that this was difficult for her to leave me,but she has always been a talented person,as my Granny says,and she had so many opportunities to live better...When she married this man,he didn't agree to become my father.He didn't need a child which is not his...So he had no choice.But,you know,I am happy for her and I am happy to know that she achieved a lot and grateful that she decided to give me a birth instead of doing abortion....I think that this is why I would never do the same to my child,because I felt it...And even there will be the person who will fall in love with me,I want him to not just love me for who I am,but also would find enough courage to love my child and to become father to him/her...As I am 24 and I don't have children,I will understand if my future husband will have children from the previous marriage...I would do my best to meet them with warmth and to become a friend to them...Cause mother I would not be able to replace...I want to tell you how I appreciate the fact that you are interested in my past and hope that you will understand me better now... Cause we are who we are thanks to the family we were raised in and thank's to our surrounding,job,books we read,way we choose...And i hope that you will understand my attitude to the family more now...When I told you all that..That is why,the family to me is probably on the first place,having a normal and healthy family.And since I have never had one,this what i am planning to build in the future....And i am glad that we have with you the same opinion about that)))And i think that we should give this a chance and then...one day probably...we will meet wt the same table...having romantic dinner...and you won't have to show me your passport then to prove something...cause if i meet with you it means that i am 100% sure in you))))Hope to hear from you soon)))
You know,this is also nice for me to talk with you.I don't know why...I think this is a little strange for me to talk English especially with the native speaker of this language)But I think I am doing fine with that and I hope that you can understand me good.Cause I really like your voice and the way we talk to each other)))Of course I will let you see me smiling.You don't have to ask for this.I am just like you in some things)You know,I like to see dear people smiling and especially when i am the reason for their smiles)))Paul,I think this is good that we started and communicating with you and that this is through letters...For some time of course,don't be scared)I think that letters is the best way to find more about each other and to have the image of who you are communicating with...And then...when you realize that you want to meet with the person you are talking to...you are evening burning all over from impatience...and when you finally meet..I think this is the best thing to meet someone you seem to know for a long time and with whom you have never even had a walk in the park,or the cup of coffee...You know,i think that we are all looking for the same thing)each person needs someone to be happy with.I am not talking about money or travelling,or other things now.I am talking about that simple happiness,that simple moments we don't appreciate in our life...Those moments that make you happy when you share them with someone you love...Happy to just walk,or sit on the bench in the park and talking,happy even to jut sit silently together and listen how their hearts beat..Happy to do some crazy things together,to be able to appreciate each minute they spend with each other,happy to know that there is always someone who will support you and make your day more sunny with his smile)))))))))Unfortunately we usually don't have that much time to notice small pleasant things which surround us in our everyday life.Just to stop for a moment and look around to see how snow shines in the sun,how your co-worker is funny swinging on a chair,how the small child destroys the lolly pop.Can you imagine yourself siting and letting your legs dangle in the water,feeling that in the book that you like reading so much has still lots of pages for you to read,to slide suddenly and not to fall down,to receive the text message you were waiting for,to wake up after a night mare and understand that this was only a dream,when your feet are falling into the sand during surf,when people whom you don't know congratulate you with holiday,the crackling of the snow,to meet something which reminds you of childhood...By the way,you started talking about Christmas in London and i went to this address you sent me to look at all this beauty)Really!I can say that people in London have a taste and decorating skills,I don't know why your mum says that your accommodations look like hotels)))But for some to discover in them their skills,they need to experience strong emotions...like love))))And those pictures reminded me of that holly and happy celebration.You know,it always seemed to me that Christmas Eve is something like in a fairy tale.That all your dreams will come true...or some of them...the once you want the most...I remember how I was a child...yet small...they say that children become aware of themselves,of their conscience,when they turn 3 years old..It started in my case from those little bows,from the toys and from my love to my mother and that she didn't need all that...They say that children don't remember their childhood ,but I clearly remember now the picture from the past...When i am sitting on the suitcase where are my mom's things packed into...And I was hoping that my tiny weight could make it impossible for her to lift that suitcase from the floor...And that she will stay....I was mistaking..Then I realized that taking care of me was difficult for her,I was someone who stood in her way to her dreams...After that i wish more the dreams of other people will come true...of dear people to me...And I think that if we could both stand with you...somewhere at the Carnaby Street...on the Christmas Eve...under those mistletoes..and ask for the same wish...i think this will happen...What would you ask for by the way?)))))YES,you are right and probably if you would be my guide in London,we would not have that much time to earn Russian with you.But I am sure that you would find some time for our lessons and let this happen)))Paul,i am sorry to hear that you will have to leave alone...but understanding how busy you are and how much work you have,i think that you won't spend all the time at home only with cat.You are probably coming to home only to sleep...Am i right?I don't like the feeling of loneliness...i think this is not good to feel alone..And not only to live alone,but this also happens when we feel sometimes lonely among people who are close to us.Have you ever felt that when you are meeting your friends,you don't feel yourself the part of their company?Sometimes I can't even remember what they were talking about half an hour ago.It i strange,but when I come home sometimes I try to hide from my Granny somewhere in the kitchen,make myself a cup of coffee and look out of the window,just thinking and looking at tars.I think that loneliness can be a gift and a great thing only when you know that you can tell somebody what a great thing loneliness is.If there i none who understands you and shares your thoughts,happiness and sorrows with you ,then you can say that you re lonely.It is so sad to come home,to throw key on the table and hear the sound of the key falling and realize that why you need home,if there is none to wait for you...Sometimes the size and power of loneliness has no limits.It is when you are in the company of noisy and cheerful people,you realize that these people are strangers to you.By the way,which cat would you like to have?Which breed?
Will it be male or female?how you will call it?And will this be your mother who will help you with your cat?)cause you said that she loves cats too...I think that this is awesome if you would come one day and meet with me,especially if you would like to do that before the New Year)))But the thing is that here it is probably colder than in London,but I think that we will find the way to make ourselves warm)))I won't let you get cold...But if you promise me that you will take warm clothes with you))))This is so funny,you talk about fur coat and I am thinking now that they are promising snow the next week and I don't even have the shoes that will let me stay warm not talking about fur coat)))But this is fine,you know,Ukrainians are strong people and we can survive in any weather..By the way,do you believe in the end of the world all are talking about?)I think this is nonsense and that nothing will happen to us)We will just have one more celebration)))And i hope that we...with you,i mean...will also have one...spent together..one day)))Hope to hear from you soon)))
How are you doing?hope not getting cold there)))Cause here the weather,I think is not going to get warmer,they promise snow soon!
No,not that I don't like snow..To wake up in the morning and to see the beautiful patterns on your window...To look outside the window and see everything turned white and the mild snow flakes are falling slowly and lay down on the ground...I think that winter time is like a miracle,like fairy tale...I rememberer how I used to love to sledding with my friends in the yard when we were still kids!How wonderful that was!We would tie those sledges together,one buy one,in a line...so that we won't lose each other...then take them to the highest place we could find and from there we would let them slide fast from that hill!
You know,usually it turned out that we would all fall))Cause the those sledges in the line would always hit each other and they would turn over and we would find ourselves on the ground,buried in snow)))But,still this was fun...You know,just to lie on the snow and make snow angels with the help of your hands and legs....To play snowballs and to build walls of snow behind which you would hide...to make a snowman and a snow woman)))We always made both of them)We thought that snowman alone looks too miserable)))And when I grew up and when I have to get up in winter early and go to work..or when I come back and see the full yard of kids who are playing and lying in snow...I wish to run home...put on the old clothes i have and join them))))Sometimes i miss that child spontaneity and those times when you don't worry about everyday problems and just have fun))))By the way,I found the way to reach your web site and i want to tell you that i liked the pictures of you when you was a child)))))And i could finally see the pictures from your travellers...And i liked the once from Prague...You know why i would like to go there?It has so many names "the heart of Europe","the town of thousands spires","golden city" and "mother of cities"!I would like to see those singing fountains that they have there!But I know that they are singing only in the warm periods,so i will have to wait till summer or spring then...I would also like to go to the zoo there,have you been to that zoo?)It must be so lovely there.You know,I liked to go to the zoo with my Granny in my childhood.But now it is not the same to me.If you would see our zoo,you would be shocked!All the animals there look so sad.They sit in small cages and they are not treated good enough...But as child I never noticed this...Now I don't like going there any more.I'd better watch discovery or the program about wild life...By the way,how do you think,do they have penguins there?I have always dreamed to see those birds.It is so unusual that they are able to swim and can't fly...I think that they are also so funny when they are walking on their small legs bending from side to side))))They are so cute and nice.Would you take me there one day and show me those beautiful creatures?I would buy you a cotton candy instead))))))You ask me about the religion I refer to.I am Christian orthodox and the thing is that we here don't have the tradition to go to churches as much as you probably do there..We go only on holidays,such as Christmas and the Easter...We with granny always bake paskhas(rich mixture of sweetened curds,butter and raisins eaten on this day),in case you don't know what is that))).I think I could cook one for you and I am sure you would like it))))But I hope that this will be soon as you are going to come in December)))So you are going to California!Wow)))I know that they have wonderful and romantic place there!The lake Tahoe)It is so wonderful,the lake with emerald water and surrounded by snow mountains....Do you like going to the mountains by the way?)Did you fry sausages on the campfire?)))))))))))))))I just remembered how we used to go to the mountain long time ago with my family.This was so nice.I remember that moments with the mile.Can you imagine us both in some picturesque place,somewhere high in the mountains.We are taking everything we need and set off.We do a long way on the mountain path and the higher we go,the more beautiful the land lower seems.Finally we are where we were coming to.We go to look for the wood for the camp fire and then we put the tent.But don't let me do this.Because when we went with my family i messed it up and it fell on us while we were sleeping))))So you are putting the tent and i am making the fire.And when everything is done,we hold the forks with the sausages and we fry them on that campfire,then we eat them as if this is the best dish we ever tried.And we spend the whole night putting more wood to the campfire,warm the coffee or tea in our hands and talking,or maybe sit silently and feeling that the silence between us can tell much more......We share one blanket and suddenly fall asleep.When we wake up,I realize that I put my head on your shoulder and slept this way all night and then we both understand that the tent wasn't needed at all))))))))Or we go and swim the lake,I just don't know if it is cold or not...But I think you will find the way to warm me up))))))How i wish i could be with you there.....Cause it will be not that wonderful here and even more cold...They promise something like 30 degrees below zero...You say about fur coat,i wish i could save enough money to buy shoes at least))))he winter is coming and i don't have even warm clothes,not like fur coat,but even warm shoes..But this is fine for me,the thing is that i am more worried of my Granny,cause she is old and I don't want her to get sick,I wish i could buy here really warm clothes so tat not worry that she can get cold and sick.I just won't bear that,this is upsetting me.You know,the thought that you are working hard,don't sleep enough,do all possible,almost live at work and still never am able to save enough money to buy her warm clothes and to show her that my salary is enough not only for food or for the bills....I wish I could do something more.....The thing is that sometimes I want my dreams to just come true easily,like in some fairy tale.I got used to fight for my happiness and I am a determined person,but sometimes I dream about miracle.People need to believe in miracles than this is easier to live.I think that though i am a strong person,I wish sometimes to have this invisible hand which will help me to get to my dream easier.I have a huge experience in the past and I know how difficult it is to achieve something you are dreaming of.The thing is that I can say that I am a happy person.I don't blame my life or somebody else in the difficulties I had to face.I just think that I achieved a lot,I got the higher education without anyone's help,I got a job and I earn money to support myself and my Granny.i think that I already achieved a lot,but sometimes I ask myself"will it always be so difficult?"If I will always have to go through hell and fight for what i love and want....Why some people get everything easily?Maybe because they don't want that that much?It is so important to me to know that at least one of my dreams can come true without all this fights and struggles,that sometimes miracles happen.....That sometimes we don't have to fight....Don't have to clean when I come back from work as I did yesterday...to find out as soon as I take off my shoes that there is so much to do,that I wish to not just turn on the lights in the room and just fall into my bed pretending that I haven't noticed that)))...Do you know what i have been busy doing till 4.30 a.m. last night?)..-Washing)))I am an expert in that now))So if you have extra sheets or pants to be washed, call on me:)Though after 4 hours of washing, i think i might need a break, good that i don't wash linens every day:)I know that this is probably will be difficult for you to understand how we do this here)))It is not something that is easy and fast to do when you have a washing machine in your apartment...I have to boil the water and then i put all those boiled water into the basin and wash clothes with my hands..Yes,it takes sometimes lots of effort and time,especially when you don't have the hot water in your apartment and you have to boil it each time you need to wash clothes...and then to wash them with your hands..yesterday when I was doing this i burn my hands with the hot water and then those blisters appeared on my hands))And this was funny cause when i was a child and hurt myself granny used to tell me that a kiss will make the pain disappear))) funny, but it really worked:)And now I am a grown up woman and I don't think that this is right to make my Granny do that...Now it is your turn))))You probably want to know why i was telling you all that....just because i feel that i can share everything with you..besides,because for the short time,you became dear person to me...cause no I want to look like a lady.. and getting out in sneakers and without make-up is not acceptable:) Something has definitely changed:) So i want to look beautiful and that's why I spend lots of the time in front of the mirror and put a make-up and take care about my appearance...Yes,this is difficult for me to stand all day at the cash desk with my high heels on,but i a getting used to that)))cause you are romantic and passionate and I can imagine how wonderful this would be to find myself by your side one day))))
P.S.By the way,why are you not calling me any more?You forgot or you are busy?I know you are,but hope that i will get the chance to hear your voice again)))
Thanks for calling me today,I missed hearing your voice already)))Can you imagine that!we are not communicating with you for long time yet,but I start missing you already))If that is possible I would like to hear your voice everyday,if you don't mind that,of course)))I also don't like virtual relations and I also want to have more of you in my life))))I feel like something is changing in me since we started communicating with you...sometimes we live our life without emotions,without the warmth in our heart.We just live...Each day the same as previous...Only accident things make it a little different...We live the same life each day,every day and we are growing older....And then suddenly we realize that something changed....Sometimes it starts when you one day wake up with the smile on your face....Or maybe when you sleep in a single bed which used to be small for you and then you realize that this is too big when you can't share it with someone....Maybe it is when you make yourself the cup of coffee in the morning and realize that it has different aroma and taste...Only because there is someone far away who is in your thoughts....Or when you sit alone on the bench and look at the empty place next to you.....And you imagine that person then....What would you do together?All these thoughts are so deep in your mind that you realize that you are alone now,but in your heart there is someone....It is sometimes the feeling when your phone rings and you expect to hear the voice that is far away somewhere,that reached you through the kilometers and miles,oceans and mountains,just to say hi.....and instead you hear the voice of your friend.....But for several seconds your heart did so many somersaults that you can't bring your breath back to normal.....This is when you go along the road and the city disappears,people disappear,this is when you are your soul with someone on the other end of the world....When with time you are eager to stay alone more often...Cause you don't know what is happening with you....Cause you can't get rid of the feeling that there is someone far away and ask yourself if that someone thinks of you...If that person feels the same...Then you realize that you are not the same as before....Then you realize that there is more in you,than you expected....Then you find strength to wait,to do something to reach that person....Then you realize that you can move the mountains.....Your letters are more like the romantic book...And I realize that i can read until the end and usually when you finished reading the book it leaves the impression on you,but that's all....Only impression and emotions....And I don't want that to happen with us....It seems like the story from the book,the written story....That i will live all that story only reading and then realize that it is over and I still try to read something,which no longer exists....I don't want us to be the part of some beautiful story....I want us to be the real happy ending...That's why i think I want to met with you...not think...i now...for sure...I want to meet with you and let us spend those wonderful days...where?I don't care where this will happen...the most important is to meet with you....To have the piece of reality that i am already missing....You told me that you can come on the 24th of November,is that the exact date?
cause then I have to ask for the vacation from work and I have to inform them bout my vacation before hand so that they will be able to find the person to replace me...And for how long do you want to come?)I hope that we could soon arrange with you our meeting and hope that you will call me soon))
Wow!You don't imagine how happy you just made me with your e-mail!
So you decide to come and spend Christmas with me!Thanks for your coming and i hope that this will be the best Christmas i had ever in my life))))So,i think i will have to take the vacation then)))I will go and ask about that my boss when I will find him at work,cause today he is not here)))But don't worry,I will be with you and we will have the best time in the snowy white Kiev)))I looked at your ticket and I realize that you are coming only for 6 days...And it made me upset a little,cause the thing is that they will give me the whole month of vacation and what i will do the other 3 weeks without you?I wish you could come for longer..cause this year I didn't have the vacation yet and I have to use that long one till the end of the year...and I was hoping that we will spend more time with you...Cause I know that this will be sad for me to say good bye to you after those 6 days we will spend together,especially if after that I will have to sat alone for 3 weeks....I will just tear myself to pieces and don't know what to do all the time...But i hope that you will find the way to stay for longer with me...Cause what are 6 days?It seems that i have been waiting the eternity to stay with you and spend time together...then what are 6 days for the "two loneliness" that met on the internet and finally arranged their meeting in real life?)))But still,i am glad that you are the man of your word and that you use the chance to meet with me...Though I know that Christmas in your country is right on this dates and i know that you probably have to be with your family during this time...And I am glad that you re making our winter fairy tale happen)))You know,Paul,this was one of my most important dreams for the last time,actually since we started communicating with you,to met you))))And I am glad that you made it happen)I really think that a real man should be this way,he should not only make his woman dream,but also to make her dreams come true)))You know,you don't have to worry about when I am going here to write the letter to you)))Cause you know that as soon as I get the chance,I come here and write you letters,and i don't care about the time,i just want to talk to you...And my back is also better now,i think I got it cold a little,you know when the strong wind is blowing and you wear like a short jacket and then it gets cold your back...so,i think this is what has happened...But I ma ok now,and i really hope that i will still get the massage from you)))Hope that I won't have to pretend that my back is hurting again to have that))))I also wanted to thank you for the information you told me about your Queen and your country)Actually most of that information i have never known or heard about.But now I know about your country probably more than about mine)You know,i think this is wonderful that you have Queen who is at the head of the government!I think this is so unique,because many other countries have presidents or parliament for that and you have her!this is amazing how some people are able to save the history of their counter and to bring it to our days.I know that in my country we also used to have Kings and Queens many years ago,but the people who are not wise killed them and destroyed the whole royal family...And when I remember about this sad fact from the past of our country i become sad and angry.I think this was not right to do and I think that we have to appreciate past and important things about our country...This is always good to realize that people from your country are responsible for what they are doing and that they appreciate things that happen in our country...I appreciate your country and your people more now,cause i see how your past and your traditions are important for you....And i would like to see one day the Queen of your country)))Is that possible?Just to have a look)The thing is that i know she has those dogs that are called welsh-korgi,if I am not mistaking)i like such dogs and I think that they are wonderful,though they are small,but funny)))Have you seen them?)))By the way,thank you for the pictures of that lake?Is that lake?I liked the monument that is situated inside,it seems that they are dancing)))Do you like to dance by the way?)Do you have your favorite one?)You know,I think that tango is the most successful way to try to get closer to the state of ecstasy...Tango is the expression of the soul of Buenos-Aires....Have you been there,by the way?))It is also called "The port of our Lady Saint Maria of the Kind Winds"...The town of the contrasts,where you can find things there that will remind you about Paris,London and Madrid at the same time...Where everything is filled with the music of tango and football fans)))Do you like football?))I know that they say that your football team is one of the best)))So,tango...They say:"like a smell in the flower...like water in the river...like lips in a passionate kiss...like tango in my life..."Will you let me challenge you in that when we meet?))))
I am here again)))Sorry for writing you again,but I couldn't sleep all night...I was thinking about your coming and dates...You know it is like in childhood ,when you are waiting for something good to happen you can't sleep or eat,or stay calm...You are just thinking and thinking about that is going to happen and how it will be...I counted the days and i found out that you are coming for 6 days and are going to leave me just before the New Year!You know,they say here that with whom you will meet the New Year with that person you will also spend it...Paul,who will let you go just before the New Year?)))I know that you have your family there and that you have to meet this holiday with them...But i have crazy idea,what about instead of bringing your parents souvenirs from here,bring me in a suitcase?))))
You know,it is already the habit for me to come here and write you the letters)))You say you are in Germany now,how is it there?Is it cold?Are they preparing for the Christmas there?You know,here they already started selling Christmas Trees and decorations and different toys for the Christmas,in the streets and in the shops))))I took one of that decorative toys in my hands,looked at it and thought...How soon the Christmas is!I have never celebrated Catholic Christmases,but I think that they are beautiful.When I turn on the tv,I see the Europe all in those beautiful lighters,the hurrying people...Everything like in a magic fairy tale)))And you?How will you celebrate Christmas?)Will you have the Christmas Tree?)You know,I think that right in such times people start feeling themselves lonely...Why?Cause these are family holidays.Cause the lonely people notice how their friends run home to their children and wives,all that Christmas rush,presents,the smell of the cinnamon in the house,the noise of guests,relatives,friends and children!The cacao in the morning...I think that you don't have to be sad in such days...cause i know that you have the parents who love you,a lot of friends...People who are dear to you.You know,i feel lonely in such days,cause though my parents are alive,I missed them in my life ,cause my parents were never there in my life...The only thing that is common between us is that we are both single with you...We have no loving partner to wait for us when we come home...But we still have our dreams...And how one can't dream in Christmas?)I got the idea according Christmas and I want to make the toys with which we will decorate the Christmas Tree by myself)))I think I will decorate those toys with the grains of coffee and with the smell of the cinnamon...Do you want me to make one for you?)))...How i would like to hold the hand of the same lonely one dreamer in Christmas!is that possible,what do you think?))Though on such day everything is possible...I want that...And I know now that you want too)))You know,they say that it is working when you are like in a childhood,making a wish,concentrate on your wish...and let it go to the sky...And then it will come true))the thing is that in my letter to you yesterday,I joked,not like joked...But I was not really hoping that you will take that seriously,cause i know that you are busy there...But I imagined that so clearly,in all colors and all impression I will have!!!I imagined you,leaving to get on board the plane that will take you home...and your hands are busy...not with souvenirs...but with my hand in yours)))And we are smiling to each other))We are happy)))And you said that you will take me too London for the New Year!I have probable done something good this year,as Santa Claus gave me such a present)That he made my dreams that have all the time seemed to me to be only the temptation..he made them come true...You know,Paul,i have the fool hand bag right now)))I can't even zip it properly)The thing is that I have your bear there and a chocolate)))You know,i have never feel myself this way...The woman..desirable...the woman who is loved and who feels the care of her man..the woman who feel beautiful....i started thinking and it is like month before your coming..And soon I will be driving in the train to Kiev,reading a book and dreaming of our first meeting with you)))And it will already snow in December..I know now that you hate snow,but I will try to show you how to love it)))I think I can do that)))probably with me you will love that snow that led us to each other...That made us warm..cause this is more important the temperature that you have inside than outside..the way you will inside..what burns you from there...what makes your heart move blood like crazy and what creates that fire in your veins...I think you are right when you say that you don't want to stay in the hotel..i also think that it is not that romantic and besides this is too expensive..i would like us to stay together in some apartment...nice and romantic..to have the rehearsal,small rehearsal of our life together))Of how it will be...to enjoy all those things couples enjoy when they live together)))I promise you that you will be warm in that apartment...And that there will be no place for loneliness and emptiness that we were feeling all that time...Together we will live them in the cold streets of Kiev)))Yes?))))But can you let me find the apartment for us?))Please,cause you know that I am a woman and i would like to make sure that everything is nice there)))What do you think about that?)))I will make everything cozy there until your arrival)))By the way,i left the chocolate for you...here...near the screen...
You know,I really liked the quotation "all or nothing"....I think this feeling is known to me)I ma such person,just as you,I am sometimes impatient about things I want to happen...It is just impossible to wait for me)))i think this is the kind of maximalist nature that is in me...Though I believe that we should have the strive also in our character...To be able not to just wait impatiently,but also to do something to make that happen,to put some effort into our dreams and wishes...And the best thing is when you have the mix of strive and maximalism in you...But still we need balance..cause i know that the family which is built on the respect and love to each other is the best thing to have in our life..The family here you feel comfortable and warm..Where you know that your couple will support you in difficult times and be happy with you in good ones...The feeling of the home where there are loving people who wait for you...To make the right choice when you start the family with someone and to realize that this person is the one with whom you ware able to spend your life with...Probably this is why i am still single...or almost with you)))I can't say that I didn't have the choice or the chance to have someone by my side...i had that possibility...But it was not how i imagined myself to be...I got the messages from guys that wanted to get closer with me,but I rejected or ignored their males...Why?Cause all of them wanted a holiday girl and that's it...They just wanted to spend time with me on heir holidays and that's all.And they are not what i was looking for...I have never paid attention to the age or the appearance.I think this is not that important.I think that the most important thing is what the person has inside and if he has genuine intentions...And none of them had,this was obvious..Their letters were screaming almost about the way they would like to spend time with me and then to forget like about the dream...i think this is not right,I am here to find the man who will be ready to spend the rest of my life with me.Ad I know that this is not important for me what he had in his past.I know that there are people with different stories and mistakes they did in their life,but i think that this is not important in present time,cause we are accepting people the way they are...But only when we feel that this person is serious about us....I was looking for someone like you,I was hoping to meet the person who will be ready to spend with me each day of our life together...After meeting with whom,I will know that I am ready to wake up the same way together in the mornings even in 5 years...I will be ready to cook the breakfast for him and will share with him all our sorrows and happiness...The person who will be ready to become the one and only in my life...there is a wonderful poem....
"How many people are there with whom you can lie in bed,
How few are there with who you would like to wake up...
And in the morning,saying bye to each other to smile,
And wave your hand and smile,
And all day in worry while waiting for the news.
How many are of those with whom you can just live,
Drink coffee in the morning,talk and argue...
Whom you can go to the sea with,
And,as it is common,in sorrow and happiness,
Be near...But still not to love...
How few are those you want to dream with!
To look at clouds which are crowding in the sky,
The words of love on the first snow to write,
And only this person to think about...
And bigger happiness not to know and not to wish!
How few are those whom you can stay silent with,
Who understands form half of word,from half of look,
Whom you are not sorry year after year to give,
And whom you could as the honor,any pain and any execution to
This is how this purl is dawdling
Easy to date,breaking up without pain,
That's because here are to many those with whom you can lie in bed,
Cause there is too few of those to wake up with..."
This is strange,we didn't have with you the reality..But i think that you are the person with whom I would like to wake up many years forward...I don't know why...You have that gallantry,oldflashiness, drive thanks to your roots))))There are so many qualities you have,but I don't want to tell tall of them here ,cause you will blush)))Probably all the British people have the same character...Having known more about your history i realize that those your qualities and character come from the lords that lived long ago there...that the history of your country affected you in a good way and made you such a ma that i can have pleasure to talk to now))))And you really have what to be proud of)))Who knows,maybe one day,I will also say the same things about London and Britain,but not about the country in the whole,but about my home...Though Britain has already won Germany in the preparations for the Christmas))))I believe that it is beautiful there...the river Thames and the Christmas atmosphere...I can already see us together choosing the Christmas tree(though I don't like cut trees,I think this is not good to do)...We are standing with you...The smell of the Christmas trees and forest...the kids with parents wandering around the market and having smiles on their faces...The snow is falling slowly to the ground...And i feel the snowflake on my eyelashes...They melt when you put your face close to mine....I would like to be therewith you so much!But you say that this is difficult to get the visa there,and it seems to me that nothing can be difficult now,cause when i look at other people,it seems hat they are travelling all over the world without any difficulties...but you know better...Though this would be wonderful Christmas and New Year there...by the way,are you going to leave your family without you on holidays?!By the way,I was thinking that probably this or the next New Year i will get that visa(Cause Father Frost is a kind man))),maybe then i would have the possibility to get to know your family....I just remembered that i don't know that much anything about your parents...Who are they?where they live?What are their names?Do they keep your child photos,if yes,would that be possible for you to scan them and send to me?)))I think you were such a cute child))))Can you tell me more about your parents?Does your mother like zucchini and broccoli?Cause the only thing i know that she likes cats))))What voice your mother has?What does she like to cook and what she is fond of?
Will she like me,if i would meet her once?How would I have to dress then?Will you help me with that?How does she imagine the girlfriend of her son?...Just thought...how we would be here together...And then you will have to leave and will tell me that you have no place for me in your suitcase!....But enough about that)you are asking me about the apartment and i know how to find the best one for us...cause i don't want it to be too expensive,but at the same time it has to be cozy...Such a mixture...And I have a girlfriend whose boyfriend lives in Kiev and she often comes to visit him..they rent a wonderful apartment ,not that expensive,but it has fireplace)))Can you imagine)I think his would be wonderful,we could hang the Christmas socks there and put on Santa Clauses hats,and yes...I will be in the bikini...Hope you won't let me get cold))))So,I will all this girl and send you the pictures so that you could have the image of it))))Hope to hear from you soon)))
Sorry for not answering you for such long time,the thing is that the internet cafe was not working and i couldn't answer you...But now I am here,reading your letter...actually many of them that you sent me)))You are surely remembering about me)))The same thing with me))))Sorry for sounding sad on the phone,believe me,i was glad to hear your voice)You know,they say that when people are close with each other,they become connected some way on the distance...They can feel what is happening with one another even thorough the phone...Yes,I tried to smile a little and I didn't want you to hear that I am sad...But the thing is hat I have some problems at home..And sometimes,we can't keep it inside,without showing this...I tried,but you are so sensitive that this was difficult to hide...Yes,I am a little sad and worried,but this is ok)))I don't think we have to discuss sad things and problems with you...I am just glad to know that you are feeling me on the distance,i can imagine what will happen when you will be here,with me))))Yes,I often think of you,especially when I am at work and I see other couples who are wandering around the supermarket...Yes,I feel warmth and happiness inside..I feel that I am important person for you,and I am glad that I met you here))))You tell me that i work a lot,but you too.We re both hard-working people)))The only thing is that your work gives you much more pleasure))))I don't want to have the year of the vacation)Can you imagine me going crazy with doing nothing all the year!The only thing why I am thinking to have that is that you offered to be with me,or me to be with you...there in London and spending each day of my huge vacation together)))This I could do))but still,i would prefer to stay with you a week just doing nothing,in bed))joking)))Just to do all the things that we wanted to do together))))and then i will have to go to work..cause i don't imagine myself doing nothing for such a long time....I am not one of those people who are looking for the excuses,instead of doing what they have to do...You tell me that i will have to study something before I can work there...i think you are right and you know more about how it has to be)))by the way,what do you think I could study?And where could I work?You are right,and I would like to have he job that would be interesting...That will arise in me the wish to know more and more...To develop mentally...the job that would give me the joy and wish to go there in any weather.....You know,I have my attitude towards the relations an i think that they should be a total devotion=commitment=dedication...I think that relations is when you are both devoted to each other to yourself ad the family you created.There should be nothing more important than the family.Of course,there is work and other things,but family should always be on the first place of each of it's members...cause you have made the commitment,when you were creating the family,you have already made the commitment,no matter if that commitment was spoken loud or not...both of you know that you are the part of something more now and that you have to be responsible before each other....You write that you feel that i will be a good mother....probably...You know,now I realize then that in the life of each woman there appears the moment when she starts thinking about the children...About becoming mother...When she realizes that she is ready...today,the strange thing happened,actually the strange meeting....the thing is that on my way here,to this internet cafe...I always walk here pass the kids playground.And I see many children there...Some of them are playing with their mothers...Others are just learning how to walk...others are feeding pigeons...And I noticed one kid...He was apart from the others...Sitting on the boardwalk with the color chalks...he was drawing something..And when I came up to him and asked what he was drawing,he told me that he was drawing his mother...I looked at the drawing and realized that there was the star...I asked him why did he draw the star and he told me that the his mother is star...cause she i far away from him and she can't be with him together..but that she remembers about him and that he misses her...I was shocked...I went to the internet cafe,thinking about what i have seen...I was thinking only about that boy at that same moment..Would you like to have son? I think i would like to....I am looking now at the pictures that you sent me and I realize that i would like to have a boy looking like you..You know,I have once seen the picture of a boy that is so awesome,just like you in your child photos...The same simply adorable child....I saw that picture and I want to send it to you....You see how the life is strange sometimes?How just the random picture can become connected with people?))))....You know that i have never had the normal and healthy family in my childhood...My Granny was the only person who raised me...And now I know for sure what kind of mother i would like to be....You write so many good things about me..so many compliments...I didn't notice any of that about myself...But with you...I start opening myself from the different side...i realize that there is more in me that I thought and that i am grateful to you that you keep discovering that in me)))You know,i have always wanted to look tough and to hide the things that worry me or that making me sad..but I know that i am sensitive by nature....No,I didn't have that much of romances in my life..i have never thought that this is right to change my partners all the time....Yes,I am not a virgin and I had one man in my life...The man whom I really loved and with whom I was hoping to become something more and to have future probably....But he was not the one...unfortunately...Maybe this is for good....I don't know what is onenight- stand,as i think that sharing your body means also sharing everything with the person...And you can't do that each time with different men..There has to be one all the time...I liked it ho you said that you don't have to be born in London to call London your home...Yes,sometimes this is enough to come and start living in the place and to realize that this is really your home...Cause home to me is not the place on the map...or the address on the envelope..this is the place in the heart of your family...in the heart of the man that you love....It must be beautiful in London now...I know that now you have so many markets there,those markets that were the tradition long time ago...I also know that on Saturdays you are having the special markets where people can walk around and buy different home-made things..i imagine us walking there together...You....me...and the Christmas markets of London...this is how I would like to spend my Saturday....I would like to be on Christmas there with you,you say that on the next we will decorate the Christmas Tree together at home...I know that this is impossible to do that this time,I know that and i understand...But i am a girl and you know that all girls are dreamers)))By the way,i remember you told em that you are going to change the dates of your departure,did you find anything out about that already?Do you know your new exact dates?cause i already have the number of that woman that should rent us the apartment with the fireplace))))And I have to know the exact dates to call her)))You know,i can't wait to be there,by that fireplace with you...To sit...and then look out of the window...and see people rushing somewhere...and realize that we don't have to rush with you...cause we are already where we have to be)))
You know,I also missed you these days.I am sorry for not answering you before,but the thing is that I am having some problems here and i am a little worried about this.Yes,I know that it is not right to do and as you said I can talk with you about everything,and I hope that by the time you will come and be here,I will solve all the problems I have now and be with you.Without the other thoughts and worries,just to be by your side and enjoying our time together...Paul,you know,only with time you realize how someone is important to you...when you don't hear from him for a long time...when you start thinking that without this letters everything is not the same...the feeling when something is missing....when you realize that you can think of nothing else as to go here and to see if you have something in your e-mail box....how this is strange to miss someone...Is that a habit?I think no..It is not a habit...Why when i am alone i always want to share the news with the exact person...with you?...I can tell my news to any other person,but it won't be the same...cause this is not always important to say something,but who is listening...Why I want to make smile only a certain person?Someone who got so deep in my heart?Why i want to see him smiling from the pictures,like you sent me with this letter?))Cause this is the only way i can see him...I also wished you could be here and warm me up)Especially after work,cause it gets cold to stay inside for 12 hours,without moving and we don't get enough of warm..case the supermarket is not the office and not the best place to sit and work..cause we have this stupid doors that are automatic ad that open and close all the time,letting the cold get inside...So,this is almost the same as outside..The things is that people get sick here and we have to work more because of that..cause staying in such a draught is nit good for the health...Even small breaks now we have more often..To have a cup of coffee and to sit on the radiator))the favorite way to get warm quickly)))Or to sit on the chair and put your legs on that on the radiator)))This looks so funny)))But I would prefer to sit with you,under the warm blanket,though,you know,i think that just your presence would be enough to warm me)))And no blanket needed,just you!But I have to wait still and this is sad.To wake up and realize that only one day has passed and how I wish to have you by my side tomorrow,or today evening...This is strange,the times seems to go by so fast when you are not waiting for something,when you are just living your everyday life,but at the same time before our meeting seems to go by too slowly....But i am glad that soon you will be with me,no matter how long the time will seem to me,I know that i will meet with you)))I will stand in that airport and wait for you...Looking impatiently at the screen of arrivals and waiting until it will show that your plane landed...And then see you...You know that I have never been abroad,but i don't know why,bit it seems to me that the airport is the most romantic place and has seen a lot more of sincere tears and kisses than any other....Why?The road is always the most important thing,especially waiting,hope,wish and other emotions.The airport breaks stereotypes,takes the person out from the aquarium of everyday life and throws him at any place on the Earth planet.Only here people meet someone they love from a long travel,here people can also loose someone when he is setting off to another country.Here you can see wives with kids who are meeting their husband and father standing by the gate and trying to recognize in any first man their one.Here you can see people setting off to the vacation and coming back sunburned,here you can see old couples travelling around the Europe)And who knows,maybe this airport will change our lives?)Will make them connected?And one day,I will leave to you...to be with you...right from the same Borispol airport where I met you for the first time...And on my way to you I will remember how it was...for the first time...how was it wonderful...or snow and New Year...our time together...and the future that was seen even then)))I have imagined myself many times how it will be at the beginning with us...How will it be?)of course,it is impossible to say how,we can only experience that..But still,you know,i had to think about something each time I was thinking of you)))So,I have so many images in my head now...And I wonder...i know that the beginning are the best moments spent together! How this is wonderful when you just at the beginning of the relations...When you just start hanging out together,going to places...when you find yourself in the different cafes,hiding from cold and sharing the cup of coffee or tea...or when you have the big glass of milk shake and two straws and you share the same milk shake drinking together from one glass...how you are running from the rain and hiding under the first bus stop that you see...and smile of getting wet all over...or when you go to the cinema...when everything is not so stated between you...when you yet still don't know how to behave with each other,cause everything is just starting...and you already feel that there is the strong connection between you both and you don't know how to behave with each other...and you are in the cinema...the lights re off...the sound is loud...none actually sees you...and you are trying to touch each others hands...but you are afraid...you know how is that?)))but you are afraid to do that...and you look more at each other than on the screen...and then when the scary or sudden moment happens...in the film...the noise..and she starts with a jerk...and she garbs your hand suddenly...and after that moment you are closer to each other..and then you are free to touch each others hand when you want..after that you can)))You know what i wanted to do together most?)I just don't know if you will like the idea...I wanted to go to the cinema with you)Here,yes)I know that you don't understand my language,but I would like that so much!I just don't remember when I went to the cinema last time with someone who is dear and important to me!The thing is that we were always going with my girlfriends and i am tired of that...Can i take advantage of your presence here and take you out there?)We would buy a huge basket of pop corn...or two)))Will sit on the back seats and laugh))))I hope that you will agree to make me such a small favour))))You know,i am glad that you are in my life,though not that close as i wanted)But still,I feel that you are with me and I feel your support)Thank you for cheering me up and for telling me not to worry about my bills...I would like to...but I don't want them to cut off the electricity and heat from our apartment...i know that i will be ok,I a jut worried about my Granny cause she is old and she can't stay in such conditions.Besides,I don't want her to think that i left to Kiev to be with you and left her alone without light and heating...this is the only thing that i am worried about,i don't want her to think that i forgot about her and our problems and left to have fun with you...And the thing is that all these days I was breaking my head to find the solution and running every where...I went even to the banks,but nothing,they didn't want to give me the credit...And I feel now that we are in a really bad situation....But I am glad at least that i have you to share such things with,I know that it is miserable to say that and that i would like to glad you more than i can and not to tell you bad news about myself,but i am glad that you are such a person who can listen and just be there...Just to let me know that you are with me....Thank you for the compliments towards my picture)It was taken by my girlfriend...We were at the presentation at our university...The thing is that there came girls that were studying to be hairdressers and they came there to find the people who are willing to change their appearance a little...And I was one of them)So,we just made the picture to remember that day)Cause you know,sometimes pictures are more than just the printed face...Sometimes they are memories that make us warm even through many years)Yes,Paul,you are right,i want to have a bid family.That's why i registered here.And I am glad that we look the same way to things like that)))I think this is good to have a big family)I think this is great when the whole family gathers together and spend time)))Cause then you know that you have already people to whom you can come and share your problems with.You always know that you have someone whom you can ask to spend time with you when your friends are busy...You have memories then,...An I believe that memories are the most important in our life.Cause when you have nothing to remember tit means that your life was not interesting a lot...How this is nice to remember the family holidays spent together...The whole family sitting at the big table and talking...the noise of dear voices who are discussing or arguing about something...the laugh of parents...the sound of clinking glasses and the rising their glasses to something)))The kids that are not interested at sitting at the one place and that are running around the room...I think that having a big family is wonderful,just the atmosphere of being the part of something more...And I think that i will feel myself the part of more when we meet...the part of being a couple...of being together...Yes,we will have our magic Christmas with fireplace)I took care about that)I even have the pictures)I hope you will like them)There are only 2,but if you would like I can ask for more.And the price i not that expensive as i thought,cause usually they put too high prices before the holidays)It is 240 grivnas per day...But I want you to look at the pictures and tell me if you are ok with the price and the way that apartment looks,cause i want you to be happy)Ad if you don't like something,just tell me and i will look for other one,we still have time)By the way,this woman told me that if we want to stay in this apartment,we have to confirm that we are there and for how many days.Otherwise,she will not keep it for us..Hope to hear from you soon)And hope that you are already back home)An not tired)
So you are back home now)I am glad to hear that)of course,i think that this is always great to come back to meet the people that are dear to you.Your family and friends and co-workers.Yes,probably the way home is the best thing ever)You ask me how I know so much about the airports..No,I have never been abroad,I think i told you that already)I have never travelled and I don't know actually how it is when you are travelling,especially by plane.I think it is just the movies that i saw...The impressions of the others who had that experience..i think this is just the way i imagine that.By the way,about movies...You know I think I like watching horror movies but there should always be someone with me,because after watching those movies it is difficult and scary for me to get up from the bed even if I want to go to the kitchen and drink some water.I feel so scared that any slight sound can frighten me to death)But I continue watching them,maybe because it is in human nature to reach something which is scary for us.I also love comedies.They say that a minute of laughter makes your life 5 minutes longer.Do you believe in this?Can you imagine us both sitting on the coach and dying from laughter together?I think it would be awesome...I don't know if we will be able to find the cinema where they will show movies in English,but we can try)Besides,i don't know yet what exactly I want to see with you.I want something about the Christmas!You know,they always make wonderful movies on the Christmas thematic)I think we can choose something when you will be here)I am glad that you liked the apartment)Then i think I will call that woman today and book it for us.For the dates when you will be here.The only thing I wanted to do is,I wanted to come the day earlier than you will arrive)To make everything look nice and romantic)To put my things there)Cause i don't think this will be great if I will just arrive there and meet you having my suitcase with me)Tired and sleepy)I want to meet you like it has to be..To take you home...Where the warm dinner will be waiting for you...by the way,what would you like me to cook for you?)I want to glad you with something that will remind you of home)I know that you love the place where you live and I would like you to have something that you like..Something that i am able to make for you)))of course,i will be a little shy ad worried when we will meet with you.Cause this will be the first time I see you..but this will be only the first moments)I know that we will find the way to loose the shy and become closer with you)))And I realize that I have to call about that apartment today,cause you know that before the New Year the prices are high and that it is difficult to find the free apartment.I just don't want anybody else to take it before us.But that woman promised to wait.By the way,she is no my friend.This was my friend who rented often apartment from her and gave me her phone number.And you know,we are planning with you everything now..And I realize that our meeting can be under the question....Because,if they will cut off the electricity and heating from our apartment,i will be in despair.And running around trying to fine that money...Breaking my head...And the time is running...I am thinking to start working double shifts.But I don't know if that will help.Cause I will have to take the vacation to be with you.And,besides,i will have to pay that out soon,cause i don't want to be with you,knowing that my Granny is there alone,without electricity and heating on the New Year eve.So,I hope that everything will be ok and that we will meet with you still...Paul,thank you for the support...I know that you want to help.But you are helping me with the way you listen.I just wanted to share with you and that's all.Paul,I know that you are a real man...And I know you.I know that you are the person who was raised to be the real man.I know that you were raised to be strong and to be able to support the woman.I know that you are the man who want her woman to feel comfortable and not to worry about anything.I know how important it is for you to feel that you are the all,someone to support,someone to help.I know that you are one of those few people whom one can call the man.You are writing that you will come here and bring cash to help me...But you don't need to do that...i was writing this to you not for that...I know that i am important for you and my Granny also,but this is not the way I was raised...I am just hoping that everything will be ok and that i will find the way...At least I hope so..hope to hear form you soon))
I am also worried...Unfortunately,I have lots to worry about now!You know,my day started normal today,just as usual....I went to work as usual and had a normal mood...I was sitting on my break,drinking coffee,and guess what I was doing?I was imagining...Your face...I was so deep in my thoughts...I was just imaging...The way you smile...how each muscle on your face moves when you are happy...how your eyes shine...How all your face shines when you are happy..You know,I was thinking so much about all what happened to us and how our relations started...And at that time my happy mood broke to peaces...you know it's like when you break the mirror...with such a loud sound of despair..The thing is that my Granny called me and she told me that there are people from some service according to household and that they are standing in the doors of our apartment and are trying to tell her something...I had to run there and forget about the calm and happiness...I was a little upset on my way...Cause i was hiding those bills from her all that time in my hand-bag...i put my hand there and felt that they are still where I hid them...was hoping that this all is not about them...And when I came there,and saw those people,waiting for me in the doorway and my Granny...upset and still in apron,I remember she was going to bake the pancakes again...And i remember then that i forgot to buy the chocolate she asked me...I saw these people and they told me that they are cutting of the electricity and heat from our apartment..At that moment I realized how stupid and childish this was for me to still have those bills in my bag..As if I could make them disappear...What should I tell her now?That I was hiding them from her because I didn't want to upset her...Because i didn't find the right decision..How this was stupid of me to do that!I didn't have other choice...They told that we will stay without heating and electricity...You know that she is old and that she can't experience such frustration.She won't just survive that..So,i had no other way as beg them not to do that...I was begging them not to do that and swearing that I will pay everything out in 3 days...And they agreed..This was so hard for me to do that...And then,I couldn't look into my Granny's eyes..Of course,if we had someone else there to help us with advice.But we are only two here and I am the only one who is working...She asked me when we were sitting in the kitchen then why didn't I show her those bills,she told me that probably then we would find the way out and would be able to pay all that..I had nothing to answer her..To tell her that I was worried and was thinking that I am grown up enough to solve such problems...But it turns out that I am not!I always tried to be grown up person and take care of both of us..And before she was always proud of me...She always knew that I am someone she can always rely on in any problem and that there will be no problems with me..So what happened to me?Why I am somewhere in my dreams now,instead of thinking about the problems?You know,I was so naive to think that I will be able to spend all my salary on the bills and to cover the debt...I was mistaking...My salary won't be enough to cover at least the half of it ...Now I don't know what to do...They were asking me why didn't we pay then,a year ago...They wouldn't care if I tell them that she was sick and we spent almost all the money I earned on her treatment at the hospital...I hope this wont happen again to her after the stress she just had...And i am in despair...it is 17 degrees below zero here now!....i don't know what to do now...I just came here,as I usually come here to share my dreams and thoughts with you...As there is none else whom I can tell about what happens in my life...Yes,Paul,I remember about the apartment other things hat I have to prepare before our meeting with you...It's just not the best time to think about that...I hope you understand me...
You know,I am reading your letter now and realize that something I was dreaming of,slipped between my fingers and ran away from me...i don't know what to tell you...How sometimes we face difficulties on our way to dreams...And you know,it is not the first time when I realize that to get something...to be with someone who is making such a long way to come to you...can be such a difficult thing to do...Why is that always like that?I am asking myself did I deserve that?Did my Granny deserve what she gets now?What bad we did in this life to be punished...they say that those who are facing such difficulties are becoming stronger..i don't want to be strong then...I just don't need that strength for such a price....The thing is that sometimes I want my dreams to just come true easily,like in some fairy tale.I got used to fight for my happiness and I am a determined person,but sometimes I dream about miracle.People need to believe in miracles than this is easier to live.I think that though i am a strong person,I wish sometimes to have this invisible hand which will help me to get to my dream easier.I have a huge experience in the past and I know how difficult it is to achieve something you are dreaming of.The thing is that I can say that I am a happy person.I don't blame my life or somebody else in the difficulties I had to face.I just think that I achieved a lot,I got the higher education without anyone's help,I got a job and I earn money to support myself and my Granny.i think that I already achieved a lot,but sometimes I ask myself"will it always be so difficult?"If I will always have to go through hell and fight for what i love and want....Why some people get everything easily?Maybe because they don't want that that much?It is so important to me to know that at least one of my dreams can come true without all this fights and struggles,that sometimes miracles happen.....That sometimes we don't have to fight....That's why I am so upset today.I think that maybe there is another way out and I should definitely find it.Because I don't want to give up so easily...The most awful thing to me is when my dreams are not coming true,when I can't fulfill them...How difficult it is to dream about something and then,when you seem to be close to it,it appears to be a mirage...I was almost there...Thank you for cheering me up in your letters and texts...I will try my best to solve this problem.Those images i had in my head...Where me....With you...In our apartment...Sitting by the fire place...Or walking around the Kiev...Cooking together...I meet you in the airport...And it seems to run away fro me.I think that I was so close that I could stretch my hand and touch it,but no,the routine problems of our life destroyed my happy New Year with you...How everything is difficult...I remember when I was leaving this dream...I remember how everything was in my child hood...The same difficult,though I didn't notice that...And I think that the person who is writing to you now,this girl is what I got from my childhood.And I think that this is why I don't like to receive the help from other people...All those characteristics you like about me,are from the time when i lacked important things in life being a kid and when I knew that I will never have the same way of life as my friends from the yard or from school...I have never had all that other children in the complete families used to have..I wanted to have a modern clothes,you know those which come from abroad...I always wanted to have pocket money to buy those gums.....do you know those "love is...." gums?Everyone was fond of it...And i didn't have the possibility to buy them....All the clothes i was wearing was made by my granny.She used to knit me sweaters at night while i was sleeping...She used to look what other people were wearing and tried to make the same thing for me....She spent sleepless nights ,only to make me something to wear....She wanted me to have not the worst things...She wanted me to be happy...Though she knew that she will never be able to buy me that....I remember how upset I was,how i wanted to have the same beautiful things...How this was difficult for me to wear things that others were tired of wearing and they gave them to me....I remember how angry i was when guys at school used to laugh at me,cause i was wearing things which belonged to other girls...And sometimes i remember how i told that to my Granny and how mad I was....I was too young then to understand that this was not her fault....That this was just how it happened...and then the only person to blame was my Granny for me...And now i understand how much she put love and care in me....How she tried to make me happy...Now,,looking back,and remembering her sitting under the standard lamp in the armchair and knitting,now I don't think any more that this would be one of those awful sweaters i will have to wear...i know now that this was one of those sweaters that were made not just at any factory,like other things,that this sweater was made with love and care,it even had the smell of her kind and trembling hands,of the sleepless nights it had in it....all the wounds she still has on her hands from those knitting-needles....Now I now and now i appreciate that...None before have never cared about me like her and she is the most important person in my life....And ,you know,i don't regret about my childhood...There were lots of things...happy...memorable...thanks to that childhood i am the person who knows that she has to fight for the place under the sun....And this is why i am always finding the ways to reach my dreams...no matter how hard they are....Yes,i am tired of that...tired of fighting all the time...And I feel only a frustration right now...And I know that you wouldn't like to know me this way...But I would like to sit in the corner of the room right now....Hug my knees...Burry my face in them...And cry like a little girl....Yes,I got used to bare all the difficulties when they are touching only me...But when they concern the dear people I love,I am ready to move the mountains....You are writing about how they were turning off the the electricity here when you were in Ukraine...Yes,it happened,I remember that we with Granny were staying without electricity also,only having candles,but these were mass turning offs and they were only for 2 hours the longest...But I am afraid to think how we will survive in such cold without heating ad electricity for a long time....Yes,I am thinking about the ways to solve all that...I am going to Kharkov to the banks,cause the banks that i went to here are small and they are not helping...So,i will try in Kharkov,and maybe I will have luck there...cause I left like 2 days...And I don't want to think about that even....I am also looking for the place where I can work at night shifts,like the second job...And I will find,the only things is that they will pay me the salary in a month only...So,not the best way out too...Paul,thank you for sympathizing me problems,but I won't accept help from your friend...Cause I am considering you the dear person to me,and I still won't accept the help from you,i just can't put that burden on you...How then i will accept help from the person i don't know...NO,maybe this could be the best way,but again,it is not the way my Granny raised me,i don't like being owed to someone and especially your friend...No,sorry but I don't think that it is right....I am grateful for your worries,but you are right,maybe cancelling your ticket is the best what we can do now...i am sorry that i ruined our future and i don't want you to be mad with me,i am just hoping that you understand and that you will forgive me that...
You know,I am grateful to you for your understanding and for your help...But let's think rationally about our meeting and about the problems I have here...You know that i don't have that much time here to solve everything and i put as much efforts as i can to solve it.No,I am not that independent and strong as i wish to be...Maybe this is the way i ma trying to behave..or something that i decided long time ago...Not ot be the burden for the dear people to me...Cause i know how it is...to be a burden...You know,they say that children become aware of themselves,of their conscience,when they turn 3 years old..It started in my case from those little bows,from the toys and from my love to my mother and that she didn't need all that...They say that children don't remember their childhood ,but I clearly remember now the picture from the past...When i am sitting on the suitcase where are my mom's things packed into...And I was hoping that my tiny weight could make it impossible for her to lift that suitcase from the floor...And that she will stay....I was mistaking..Then I realized that taking care of me was difficult for her,I was someone who stood in her way to her dreams...I was the burden she didn't need,cause she wanted to become happy...And yes,I realize that our happiness with you depends on my problems,cause because of them i can't be with you...But I know that it won't last forever and if we are supposed to meet,if we are meant to each other,than nothing can stand in our way....I know that you are important person for me and that i would like to met you...But not this tome probably....And you don't know how sorry I am about that...How I look at the pictures of the apartment we were going to rent with you...how i look at that fire place and realize that it won't burn..there will be no fire here....And i hope that our fire with you will not vanish.....But i have to do a lot here before we can agree about our meeting with you...You know,i went today to several banks in Dergachi,that friends advised me to go to,to ask fort he loan...I was sitting in the line for a,most 4 hours there,when i have no time!And the only thing they told me,that i have to write the applications and that they will look through them only in 2-3 weeks and besides eve longer because of the holidays!So,no good news as you see,I not actually hope that these applications will save me even...Paul,of course,it is not right that you will be alone on the Christmas...But,honestly,I would prefer being alone in that cold,than making my Granny live there...I don't know when we will meet,but i hope that i am not losing you...Cause this is something I don't want to happen…Perhaps you could send me some money?
I wanted to congratulate you with the New Year and came here...You know,they say that there are no accidents in life...And that the truth always comes out...But with time unfortunately...I was living in our letters with you...In my dreams about meeting with you...I thought that miracles happen and that I met the an that I was looking for..the intelligent and caring one...The one with whom I will be able to spend all my life with...I was living in our dreams about the kids that we will have...About our house and the holidays that we will spend together like the real family...But again,I understood that it is never like this...Miracles happen only in fairy tales and people are good only in the movies...the real love and warm relations are also can be seen only on the big screen in the cinema...maybe that's why many women like romantic movies so much...Cause it is something they were hoping to have,they were dreaming of...And now I am the one of them...Funny....Yes?....I realize that I would probably still be hurrying here on my lunch breaks...Forgetting to eat and hoping to see the letter from you...I realized that i would be even more in you...There would be probably even more of you in my life...Now I think that I deleted my profile from the dating site not accidentally...Yes,I did that because of you...Cause I thought that you are the man I was looking for and that I have no reasons to be there any longer...But now I think that it was for the best...Cause I got the letter from the agency with the link to the site...Where you posted our communication with you....I went to this link and started reading all what you posted there...And it turns out that everything you were telling me...Each your word was the farce...I know that we people,are strange...We always do something bad to those who are not guilty and to those who are dear to us only because of some our inner fears or mistakes of the past...I feel so hurt right now...I opened up to the person...To the man...That I thought I trusted...Why I did that?I am thinking about everything and I don't know what made me tell you all that...Cause you were reading my letters and laughing at me...It was some sort of the attraction to you...You were posting them on that site and letting everyone to see them...And laugh at me...And read about my dreams...Feelings...My life is not a circus,Paul...My feelings and pain are not something to let the others see and laugh at this...You were always writing me how serious you are...I thought that you are a real gentleman...And I still have your teddy bear under my pillow...I was making the Christmas decorations with my hands for you right before the New Year..Hoping that one day i will give them to you and you would hug me...Paul,what did I hurt you with?What bad i did to you?You are writing there on that site that i was hunting for your money and that you are a wealthy man...And it is so silly...Cause money is nothing in our life...I thought you know that..The most important is what you have inside...And money and everything that you buy for them is only the illusion...You can fall asleep rich and wealthy and wake up poor the next morning...And then,the most important will be what you have inside...And it is great if there is something more than wholeness...Yes,I am not reach...i don't have all what you have...And i have never claimed on what you have...Yes,I have never asked for anything and I am not going too...Yes,it is difficult for me to achieve something,but I am trying knowing that I do nothing bad to others...Ad I know that i don't have such a big family as you do..yes,I don't have that many of dear people to me...but I know that for those i have in my life,I will do all possible to make them happy...And I am not going to ask for help from someone else...Yes,I have been betrayed not once in my life..but you know what is important?I learned how to forgive...And maybe,i feel so bad right now,because I believed in us...In our future...And you know what?you can do what you want....I have nothing to feel guilty about...i didn't do anything bad to you and i don't care about what others will think...cause i know that people are different...Now I know that...I know myself and I don't think that i deserved all that...And one more thing I wanted to tell you..i am asking you to take back your present or what you have sent me with the delivery service...I am not going to accept it....it is not good Paul,to give bears to girl and then to do such things behind her back...So,please,take it back...