Letter(s) from Blessing Valdez to Michael (USA)

Letter 1

"I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams."

Dear Michael, (or I don't even know if you would still want me to call you that but I still hold you dearly in my heart so I will address you that way)

I don't know how to get started with this email. By this time or after you read this email you could even become so exasperated with me, you might want me in your life no more or you could even become very disappointed with me that I wasn't able to email you before I have decided to make a step like this or you could curse me even more just as you have already wished that I should rot in hell and will decide not to want me anymore which I will fully take and understand because everything's my fault. Yes, I got the money that you sent through Western Union and I could clearly remember that I told you that the final schedule that the embassy has given me is on the 21st of June and I even sent you few more emails assuring you of the love that I have for you. And then I even sent you an email about my proposal for the farm with some other pictures of it which you liked but explained that at this point in time you are not interested in buying it due to some financial constraint which I fully understand and I didn't even take it against you because I already know how much I am indebted to you at the moment but as I would always tell you : Once we are already together I would be more than willing to look for a job or work so that I would be able to pay you back with everything that you have spent as far as my travel needs and requirements are concerned and I even mentioned the same statements to you over and over again because I mean it from the bottom of my heart. You have even commented in the email that you sent me prior to this one that you'd rather my pictures rather than the pictures of the farm - maybe you were thinking that I spent money in having those pictures scanned when in fact I have just downloaded the pictures from the CD that the owner of the farm himself has given my father with and I never spent not even a single cent to have even one of the pictures scanned. You also said that you'd rather have me talk to you over the phone instead of just playing the voice message that I left in your mailbox. If I may remind you my dear that time that I recorded that voice message I tried to call you at least four times but nobody would take my call so I just thought of leaving a voice message in your voice mailbox. It was not my fault that you didn't take any of my calls otherwise we would have spoken on the phone again. You can blame me all you want and put and point all the blame towards and if that will give you gratification then I will accept all of it. My desire to purchase the farm is for no any selfish reason I have clearly elucidated to you that it was and still is my intention to think of ways that could probably help us secure our future and would help you defray the costs of paying up for the penalty and the taxes that had been incurred when you had to take your money from the Human Resource Department earlier that the time that you were supposed to.

I know that you have been anticipating to get an email from me to let you know of what has been happening in my end and much more you are expecting for an email telling you that I will not coerce you and I don't have any intentions of asking you to feel for me for the very negative and almost fatal ; actually devastating accounts that happened in our lives and in my family. God knows how much I tried to try and send an email to you ; I even went to this internet station the next day after the tragedy occured but try as I may and as hard I have been striving to write an email my mind has just been so befuddled, my heart and my emotion were exhausted and drained and my body's so feebled that I could not even form any sentence and not a phrase even. I was trying to avoid to send you an email that you will not understand or an email that has been written from a disconcerted mind so I just though of sending you an email after my emotional torment and despondency has mellowed down. Maybe just maybe you would somehow understand the pain and the agony that a person has to go through upon losing someone close to their hearts specially if the passing of the person is very untimely and very tragic.

When I collected the money from Western Union you know that I never claimed nor even thought of it as mine. You know my love that there had been a very formidable time constraint that has been impeded on us because I had to wait. Now I don't want to keep going back to that issue because I thought that your mind has already been enlightened and you have felt in your heart that I am definitely not the type of woman who would compromise the good reputation, the decency, the integrity and that salvation that I have with my Lord in exchange for fleeting moments of pleasure. So I am truely appreciative of your trust and your faith that you have given and shown me only during that moment. As you already know I have already been granted and scheduled for an appointment with the US embassy on the 21st and I already told you about it and I got so excited about it as a matter of fact I have so many sleepless nights because of too much anticipation to the time when I would finally be able to settle and finalize everything, from then on I started to pack my things up and been collecting local souvenirs from our country to give you and your family when I arrive there and also to show you how many shot glasses I was able to consolidate here to add up to the collection that you already have there. I have this thought in mind of surprising you with an email telling you that I am all set to leave, that's why I didn't send any email before that but I never though that it would reach till this date and that the big surprise would be on me.

On the eve of June 21st around 12 15am of Thursday, a day of my appointment at the embassy - my DAD together with my two brothers who just came from another town to work on some business proposals, met a very tragic accident. The car that my brother's driving had collided and been crushed by a 10-wheeler cargo truck. There's no way that someone could ever survive that accident, I am attaching the photo of what the car looked like, I am actually trembling and would burst in tears whenever I would look at the picture but I am taking all the courage that's left in me and and all I have just to be able to give you an idea of what happened. You might again tell me that you'd rather see a picture of me but I am telling you right now that I never spent any money to have these pictures and document scanned because the CD where these pictures and document had been taken from was from the police authorities.

My heart is being crushed everytime I would look at this proof of my brother's death but I am sending it along with this email as an evidence that I am not just making up this story because at this point in time I am very much aware that the very little trust that you have had in me had just drastically vanished into thin air.

I lost a brother : Christopher , my other brother DANIEL had just been revived from a comatose state for more than a week, he needed to undergo several open surgeries because of the fractures and many bone damages that he suffered from but I am so glad that at least he's conscious now but still he can't talk and he would have memory lapses. Christopher, my brother who died had survived for nearly two days because of the breathing apparatus that's connected to him but the damages that his body had suffered were too serious and fatal that he was not able to survive. DAD had to undergo major bone realignment, his backbone had been damaged and his ribs had been crushed terribly and many of his discs slipped off that's why they both needed to undergo all of the operations and surgeries needed for him to survive and thank GOD that He was able to make it through. I really didn't want to do the thing that I did but there was no option left for me since in that moment the only thing that I had in mind was to save my DAD and my brother. I have been so hesitant to do that because I was thinking of how your reaction would be if you'll find out that I spent "your" money, yes honey that's all "yours", not for the way that it was intended to be spent but for something that is not related to our being together and for that I am so sorry.

Our money was not enough to pay for all the expenses specially for all of the surgeries that needs to be done to my father and for my brother. We lacked some 100 thousand pesos - amounting to two thousand dollars so I was able to take the $1,200 to add up to the amount that we needed. I know that it's a wrong move and I am so sorry, I don't know if you will ever find it in your heart to forgive me for trying to save lives and I will understand if you will be very recentful of what I did.

You have been in mind all of the times that passed by that I wasn't able to email you because I have been so busy attending to my DAD and BROTHER at hospital and also for the funeral of my other brother whose cremation took place
last June 22. I am so sorry but I know that sorry's not enough, I will do my best and work hard even if it takes me years to raise that amount just so I will be able to pay you back with it. I am enclosing some pictures of Daniel and the car.

I will and more than willing to take all of your anger and your hatred that this incident ever happened. If losing you would be the price that I have to pay because of what I did then so be it, I will wholeheartedly and sincerely "without straddling the fence" accept your decision because it's all my fault and I should have not spent your money to save my DAD and BROTHER and instead, I could have just kept it and used it for it's purpose. I am so ashamed to you that I have disappointed you. I don't really know what to say and how to apologize, I don't know what words to use to show how contriteful I am that this ever happened.

Like you, I want to be with you very much and I know that we can make this through my dear Michael because we have sincere and great intentions to start a relationship that will lead to family-building and something that’s long-lasting. We have reached this far and we’re almost a step a way from achieving our dreams of being a couple and for sure it will come to pass. I am so sorry that this happened at a time that I never expected it to. I don't know if this is a test from the LORD to see how much we love each other and how strong our grip to each other's hand is. Like what the saying says : the true test of a diamond is put it under the extreme heat of fire. I don't know if you would still accept me after what happened.

You were so quick to judge me my love - the man who was supposed to defend me from people who will cause me affliction and the man who has supposed to shelter me and protect me from all forms of oppression and cruelty. For a man who has expressed so much love to me it was so surprising that you were so abrupt in judging me. Maybe it was because the trust that you have given me was a "forced trust" and not a "voluntary trust" I could clearly remember that I had to actually convince and persuade you into giving me your trust because you have expressed doubt and suspicion on me before - that is the reason why every little chance that apprehension and skepticism could come in there's always a huge room for it to occupy and thrive in. I am not going to rot in hell my dear because aside from the fact that I am still alive I have not also done anything illegal, immoral and unGodly all my life. Maybe you could wish that I should rot in hell but the good Lord will never allow for that to happen.

Nothing could even be more painful than to know and see that you actually think that I am capable of ripping you off with your money but like what you have said indeed the vengeance is of the Lord's and not mine or not ours. So I will just leave it all up to Him since He is an omniscient God and He knows and sees every little thing that we do and every plan that we intend to.

During those times when I wasn't able to send you any email you could have at least sent one or two emails to ask me as to what is happening on my end instead of instantaneously belittling me and denouncing that I will rot in hell. What if I was the one who had been involved in this fatal accident or worse I was the one who died, do you mean to say that you will abhor and curse me all your life and wishing that I should rot in hell without even giving me the benefit of the doubt nor not wanting to know what really happened? This is really scary because this is not the type of man that I thought you to be.

The subject of this email says that I am digging another well. God knows that I am not. How could I even do that when in fact the last time that I have been on Love Access was during the date of the last email that I sent you? And whenever I would go there before it was only to look at your picture and your profile, I don't know if you would notice that or maybe because you were too busy looking for evey possible fault that you can pinpoint at me you have been totally oblivious of that. So all along you were thinking of yourself as "well" that I am digging for "water" or figuratively a "man" that I was digging for "money". It's a little dejecting that it is how you see yourself because there are other nouns or adjectives that you are worth comparing to other than a well ; which in this situation you have given too much negative implication. I am even capable of digging a well both literally not figuratively but when the time comes in the natural realm that I have to dig one for you and me to survive and have an alternative source of water then I would not mind doing that not only for myself but for You as well because I have told you more than once that I don't see myself alone right now because in my eyes, in my heart and in my mind we are already united as one - I could only wish for that.

I am not asking you to be sympathetic or be benignant of what happened to my family if you don't feel it in your heart maybe what you did was your personal view of the best action to take and may God bless you for that.

I encourage you to please file criminal charges that you deem fit for whatever it is that you think I have unlawfully done to you so that I could also answer you in the proper venue instead of you just cursing me that I should rot in hell. Also it would give me due process and I will just let the hands of truth and justice to shake you and awaken you with the truth. I don't even think that someone who is in her sane state of mind would even think of scamming you for money when I am very cognizant about the fact that you are connected or you are working for the Navy which is a part of the defense/security system of the USA. Having said that it will be very easy for you to trace me and ask for my captivity and imprisonment.

I love you so much that no wealth in this EARTH would ever compare nor come close to my desire to be with you, no one would take you away from me and I will not allow anything to stand in the way of our love for one another. Words could never describe how much I appreciate having you in my life. I am in too much remorse right now because after losing a brother I don't know if because of the decision that I have made I will also lose you. I hope not but if you would decide to turn your back at me then I don't know what else to do to still make you want me and still love me. I hope that the good LORD would touch your heart and make you realize that if you were in the same situation that I have been put through then you would also do the same - for the people who has been there for you through the happiest and the lowest moments of your life. I don't know what else to say my love. I am very sorry and I love you so much.
loving you always even if I could feel that you despise me so much,
Ms. Blessing Valdez