Letter(s) from Ksenia Goncharova to Stefan (Germany)

Letter 1

Hello my darling, I am so happy to write to you, I am glad that you liked my picture about us, if only you could know how many imaginations I have in my head last time, I am trying to imagine everything in the way it will happen, First of all I want to answer your letter and than I will tell you news about yesterday, Almost everything was fine, but there are several things I am worrying about, ok, first of all about us. I decided that when I come I do not want right away to travel everywhere in germany, I think that for the first time it will be better for me and you if I will accommodate to Berlin, because too many impressions can be much for my head, I want to taste everything not right away but with time. I was so happy about your wonderful mail. (one tender kiss on your neck :-) And me, I am sending tender kiss to your eyes, I was very happy when I created that last letter, I was kind of flying in my dreams. I want to kiss you in eyes, your tender eyes. Wanted to write you yesterday, but my mother visited me and left only this morning. Yesterday I took her to a classic concert and it was really nice. My darling, last days for me are very busy too, tons of things happens, everybody wants to see me, to say good luck, to spend time with me, because many my friends thinks that I will not return or return through very long time. Soon, there will be meeting with parents (by the way, as you asked, I will send you photos with parents from this meeting)), I am sure that my uncle will have wish to make some final party before my departure, oh, there are many things need to be done. I like your "picture" with us kissing on the beach very much:-) We can make it come true in quite soon, my dear, and this gives me so much inspiration and happniess since I know you. By the way, i read in the newspaper that Russian people are the worst tourist in the world. And second place. Guess who has second place? Right..Germans. But i never heard what happens when German and Russian have fun together. :)) Maybe WWII Whatever I imagine with you, creates a pure sensation and incredible warmth inside me. Ksenia, all seems so natural with you and I will show you all my love and affection when we see each other. My love, It is the great word "Natural" which shows our relations, this time when we know each other changed my life. I remember, I can separate my life for two parts ]first is before you (and everything is like in the fog in this part, i was like a creature without real life) and second part is [with you, it is period when my mind became clear, and I realized what I want in the life. I sometimes imagine in my head what will happen if you leave me. I think that I will be like a vegetable, like a thing without will to live. There is nothing I desire more than having you at my side forever and be your man, lover, friend and protector. this sounds so great to my heart, like a cure, when I am reading your words about me, incredible wave of happiness comes through my heart. I also thought about how nice it would be to celebrate your birthday together. A real pity.. But your present will wait for you in Berlin :-) What present? Can you tell me? please please please, now when you told me about it, I will be not able to sleep, I will guess what you prepared for me... So.. Please? What kind of cake is your favourite one? Ohhh. I even do not know.... Many.... Did you recieve your visa already? Tell me, I?m curious to know!! Yes, I got it, yesterday I was in the agency where they showed me that everything is alright with my documents, I missed my visit to there on Wednesday, and got to there only yesterday, it was the last consultation before my departure, they told me about rules of behavior in foreign country, about things what i can do and what is forbidden to do. They informed me that every tourist entering Euro Union, must to have equivalent of 100 euro per day, I mean they said that when i will be entering Euro Union, customs people in Poland can check how much money I have with me, and every tourist must have 100 euro per day for the all period of being on the territory of Euro Union. Officially my trip is 2 weeks - 14 days, 2 days will take the road, it means that I will be there 12 full days and I must have money for every of this day - 100*12=1200 euro with me. If people on customs will check my baggage and will see that I do not have this funds, they will put stamp in my passport and deport me back in the Ukraine, and with this stamp I will never be able to travel somewhere i want. It was real shock for me, I remember you told me about this, but i thought that the main for me is to get visa. i don't know what to do or what to write, before this I wanted to take around 200 euro for trip, this is all my funds that I have I tried to find this money for customs but without success, I called to father asked him to help, but he said that he does not have any free money, because he put almost everything in some new his business project, I asked about that money which he has on account, but he said that this funds are not able at the moment because of his project, he can't give me it at the moment and he doesn't have such sum even on that account and even if he had, he wouldn't give me it because they are not for me. and I was afraid to write you about it right away, because I was very scared and didn't know what to do. I do not know how to react on this, they are saying me, that if customs will check me and will not see that i have this fund with me, they will deport me back right from the border, and i will never visit you. I can't do anything about that, every normal government afraid of illegal immigrants. As they explained to me, I need just to show this money on customs, for making them sure that I have them, I tried to find it even at my friends, but none from my friends don't have it at the moment... I am in terrible condition at the moment, I don't want our dream to be destroyed in one step before turning to reality... When they said me that i have a hysterics, because i don't have this money and i have no understand why i need pay 1200 euro for being there. I asked them that what if you will show this funds, but they tell me that this money need to show on a border and it don't needs to spend it how i think earlier. This is mean that i need to show this money and that's all. We will save this money for our life, but i will need it to trip to you without any problems... Sorry for that nervous part, but it makes me feel in such way. I remember you told about it, but I never expected that it will turn it this way. Can you please call me? Darling, I want you to know that I love you whatever will happen, please do not leave me, I need you very much. Kiss you very gently. Your Ksenia

Letter 2

Hello my darling, this seems to be my last letter, next time we will se each other eye to an eye... So Everything is ready for the trip? Yes! let me check what I put in my bag, cosmetics)) phone, brain, my love to you.. yes, everything is on the place. Yes, I got transfer, thank you for this, I think I will feel more better with knowing that nothing will disturb me... Did I said good bye to all friends? Hell yeah. Am I ready to change my life? of course! When I will cross Poland I will be in touch with you my phone. Say you when to meet me. I will try again to reach you. And send you SMS of course :-) The function did not work the last days on the MTS website. by the way, I got your sms, so I do not see the problem in calling me:) is very suspicious (smugglers, drugs, criminal record..) I thought that people with criminal records is not allowed to cross the border at all. i do not think that I am suspicious person in that case, but I think that God is protecting people who are caring about protection. Darling, maybe you will write me one more letter before my leaving? I hope so... Bought you the choir you were asking for:)) be happy. Because I am extremely happy. On 17 I am departing in the evening close to 8. Daniel, I can't say in normal words what I feel at the moment, just one day before my departing... Yes, We made it.. I am going to check thing here... and finish some packings, that I wil check list of things, and maybe in the evening I will have a little party with friends.. Or maybe I will not, because I am very tired... I love you. Your... And only your.. Ksenia

Letter 3

Darling, I don't know how to tell you, but yes, it is truth, I am not coming. But it is not my fault, I am sitting in the police station and I can't belive that this all is happening. Yes, everything was going as planned at 18 th in the morning I came to the Lvov with other people , I was so happy that moment! Then I and my group went out from the bus for having something to eat in the cafe I went out from bus took my big bag, and there was little woman bag on my right shoulder, and then everything happened like in the fast movie. Very fast. There when it was around ten meters until the entrance to the cafe two guys on motorcycle was going near me. One of them catch my little bag and i screamed very loudly but they escaped. In the first moment I didn't realised what happened. There was everything in this bag. My passports with visa, ticket, money for customs, gold earrings which my mother presented me at my 18 birthday. I run to the police, and they say that they will do all they can for catching this people. I trying to call you, but it's not possible from the local phone line. It would be much more easier to do from cell phone, but i didn't have it . I had a feeling that something will happen with me and i will have no opportunity to call you!! I am sitting here already until now. And nothing. I was too scared for writing you about this at the beginning I was hoping until last moment that they will catch this people. I don't know if it is possible but i am asking you with all my heart - please forgive me, i don't know if you will find powers for doing this, I will never forgive myself, I will never be the person which I was before this, i am broken my heart has collapsed. I decided that i will never go anywhere abroad anymore because of my stupidity I broke my life. Darling, I.. I don't know what to say.. I am living by hope that one day you will forgive me. Please do not worry about the money I will be working at two works and promise you to return you everything until the last cent. The agency sent another bus for me from the Donetsk and it is going to take me home, I will be leaving to Donetsk through the several hours, I wasn't sleeping for 48 hours already and I think that i will sleep a little when i come to home, tomorrow in the early morning I will take phone and if you could call me it will be great, I do not know what words you will say me but whatever I will hear, I know that I deserve it.. Please do not leave me. If you can, please come here to me.. I will be very happy if you come here visit me, and then probably will kill me. Your beloved Ksenia

Letter 4

Dear Stefan! My dream, my treasure that I've lost even before I did handle it:( I don't know what to start from... I can't read your letters as I don't see the screen well, my eyes are full of tears, my hands don't listen to me...as well as my fingers...as well as all my body... My soul and my body live in two diferent lives these days... Sorry, I guess I need some time before I'll keep under control all my emotions and will be able write tto you something at least with a little percent of sense. Your Ksenia